Here at CockneyRhymingSlang.co.uk we do like to help people out who are baffled by the Cockney lingo. This week a student from Poland has written to us asking for help translating the video below for his English lessons (the things they use for teaching these days). Well we think this ad is a wee bit fake, but let's try and translate it anyway. Here's the ad:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzxttGuq1s4

And here's our translation SO FAR:

"Wotcher me old China Plate. Here I am doin' a bit of graft in the States.

But what a culture shock I 'ad with the old Nosebag!

How can ya ‘ave your elevens wifaht a nice cuppa Rosy Lee?

And I was in a right Two and Eight wif me afters as well. No pudding, no custard, no scones, no clotted cream ...

What a choker!

But I've 'ad a right result. I've sussed it out. 'ere, come 'ere.

If you and the old Trouble and Strife (?) with your grub do yourself a favour, click on ukgoods.com.

They’ve got (?) of all your British favourites."

There's just a few bits left to get. Can anyone help?

Sheila Jones writes:

Is there a poem as follows or did my father make it up? (He came down to London from Scotland in the 1920s and was fascinated by and loved the Cockney slang)

As I was sat by the Ave Maria

Warming my Plates of Meat

There came a knock on the Rory O'Moore

That made my Raspberry beat

Can't find it via Google!

Ceri is asking:

I would really like to know what 'a bit of Wembley' is refering to in the Ian Dury and the Blockheads song 'Mash it Up'. Any ideas?

We say: well, here are the lyrics to aforementined song. Please comment if know the answer.

He's got his little Y-fronts and his got his little vest
He's got his little parting in his hair
He's got his little trousers and he's got his little shoes
And he wants a bit of Wembley up ‘you-know-where'

He's got his little jacket and he's got his little shirt
He's got his little notif on his tie
He's got his little raincoat and he's got his little hat
And he wants a bit of Wenbley up his ‘I yi yi'

Don't call Harry a human potato, don't call Harry a spud
Don't call Harry a walking King Edward, Harry's made of flesh and blood

He's got his little office and he's got his little chair
He's got his little cactus in it's pot
He's got his little memos and he's got his little job
And he wants a bit of Wembley up his ‘you-know-what'

He's got his little pension and he's got his little plan
He's got his little policy in hand
He's got his little lap-top and he's got his little pen
And wants a bit of Wembley up his Rio Grande

Don't call Harry a human potato, don't fry Harry Tonight
Don't give Harry a chip on his shoulder, Harry's doing alright

Mash it up, mash it up, mash it up Harry
Mash it up, mash it up, mash it up Harry
Mash it up, mash it up, mash it up Harry
Mash it up, mash it up, mash it up Harry

He's got his little morgage and he's got his little lounge
He's got his little bit of England to defend
He's got his little telly and he's got his little phone
And he wants a bit of Wembley up his Ponder's End

He's got his little garden and he's got his little shed
He's got his little mower on the grass
He's got his little garage and he's got his little car
And he wants a bit of Wembley up his Khyber Pass

Don't call Harry a human Potato, don't roast him on a spike
I think Harry's a real Golden Wonder, let Harry be the spud you like
Don't call Harry a human potato, don't call Harry a spud
Don't call Harry a walking King Edward, Harry's made of flesh and blood

Mash it up, mash it up, mash it up Harry
Mash it up, mash it up, mash it up Harry
Mash it up, mash it up, mash it up Harry
Mash it up, mash it up, mash it up Harry

We're on our way to Wembley, we're on the Wembley Way
We're on our way to Wembley, we're on the Wembley Way
We're on our way to Wembley, we're on the Wembley Way
We're on our way to Wembley, we're on the Wembley Way
We're on our way to Wembley, we're on the Wembley Way
We're on our way to Wembley, we're on the Wembley Way
We're on our way to Wembley, we're on the Wembley Way
We're on our way to Wembley, we're on the Wembley Way....

Did you know that Pearly Kings and Queens are still around? I came across a whole family of Pearlies outside St Mary Le Bow Church last week. They were collecting money for Help For Heroes and very kindly allowed me to photgraph them. Only after a promise of a hefty donation though!

Got this email from Chris Hughes about Cockney counting. It's a new one on me. Anybody else used to use this Cockney counting method for dominoes or any other purpose? Let us know.

Chris Hughes writes:

I was born in Hammersmith in 1953 and brought up in South London. These are 1 to 10 as I use them when playing dominoes with me mates. We only use first name.

1. Herbert (Lom)
2. Loobie (Lou)
3. Bruce (Lee)
4. Martin (Dawe)
5. Man (Alive)
6. Brian (Rix)
7. Ernie (Bevan)
8. Garden (Gate)
9. Calvin (Klein)
10. Tony (Benn)

Blank. Ann (Frank).

A double of any of the above is a Barney (Rubble) When unable to lay a bone we say "Joseph" from Joseph Lock. To knock. I suspect a foreigner looking at us playing would be mystified even if they know how to play the game!